Without a doubt an account of an in depth pal of mine named Angry Vagina. One sexually discouraged day, she decides to join a mobile relationship application against her better judgment. Dared to participate by a manhood Custodian buddy of hers (technically perhaps not bangable as a result of “nobody’s screwing company”) she actually is struggling to fight the task therefore opens up by herself commonly and blissfully on the options.

Thus we start our very own story in the renowned furious V as she packages the app onto Rose-Goldie the new iphone 4, inserting the woman 6 finest images including a superstar headlining image as presented below.

Given small space to articulate the woman success, this woman is subsequently compelled to condense the woman epic biography into several boner-inducing traces and completes her profile perfectly. And almost like miraculous, mushroom-head proprietors prepared for assessment straight away appear on her feed.

Per matchmaking application policies, furious Vagina must swipe kept if a specimen can make the lady dried out as a piece of sandpaper or otherwise disgusts the girl. As an alternative she must swipe right if she really wants to use brand new shaft concerned.

Below we possess the advantage of observing the woman stream-of-consciousness as she sifts through increase of moping scarecrows together iphone.

Would I bang that man? No.

(Swipes remaining)


Would I bang that man? No.

(Swipes left)


Would I bang that guy? No.

(Swipes left)

Would I bang that man? Possibly. Umm.

Recalling the important fairy reports of her youthfulness, furious Vagina all of a sudden seems responsible to be therefore low and lends much more soul to her “swipage” as she continues the woman seek out Prince Charming.

Behold! me personally is new princess nameth “Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty”. I hath spoken.

(furious V thus reinvents the story book matchmaking narrative, but this time around from inside the design of

Rapunzel

. Armed with boner in the place of sword, Prince slays impoverishment dragon in order to purchase high priced iphone 3gs. He now climbs enchanted line of cyber pubic tresses, ascends dating-app tower. At climax of tower, annoyed V shoves him off dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong vocals . . .)

Brief man near tiny puppy. Pretends to be tall.

(Swipes remaining)

Bike man loves spandex. Golf balls perhaps not big enough. Kindly mount bike versus lady.

(Swipes kept)

Wealth listed in profile. Congratulations! Get thyself rubberized vagina.

(Swipes remaining)

Too young. Like teenager. Premature spooge likely.

(Swipes remaining.)

Precisely why thus bald always?

(Swipes left)

“Entrepreneur”. No unemployed dudes allowed.

(Swipes left)

Cat hater?!

(Swipes left, punches phone-in face, inserts profile photo of one-true-love “Kitteh”.)

(ongoing as if addicted.)

Computer software professional acting as interesting rockstar. ::Cackles::

(Swipes remaining)

Sweet abs. Stay away from butterface during bang sesh? Meh.

(Swipes kept)

Excessive mustache. Face forest outcompete outdated development woodland of Angry Vagina.

(Swipes left)

Gym selfies just? Just how ’bout penis pushups.

(Swipes remaining)

Oooooh! some one is hat lover. Ought to be covering bald spot.

(Swipes kept)

You reside WHEREIN? Or perhaps is that the place you park your vehicle . . .

(Swipes left)



Wow you like activities? Interesting. Among sort. Time and energy to erase matchmaking app and obtain hitched.

(Swipes kept)



You want to SEXT? In which is actually middle finger emoji . . .

(Swipes kept)

Shows themselves in image near to hotter guy. Dumbass.

(Swipes kept)

States be challenging but is your own coach.

(Swipes remaining)

Young ones? Woman boner deceased.

(Swipes remaining)

Detailed as “director” on profile. Of just what? Furious Vagina’s discomfort?

(Swipes kept)

No account details. Hail to just one pic of acne-prone skin. I want to go on and place legs open for you today.

(Swipes left)

Happy vegan with picture of real time cucumber. Penis probably shriveled and depriving for healthy protein. We’ll get Mr. Cucumber.

(Swipes left)

Whaaaat. Now they’re providing me females. Swiping kept too fast?

(Swipes remaining more slowly)

(Angry Vagina requires break to get hold of companion “Nongay Wife” for nostalgic terms via book.)

“Nongay Wife, Im leading the plumped for folks (otherwise called Kitteh) through desert like Moses. Looking around to locate h2o or Penis Custodian. I do not know if i’ll survive. Kindly send assistance.”

(Waits for answer and goes on pursuit.)

Oh no! Swiped correct accidentally! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Banned? Fuuuuuck. Hate that unsightly man believes he could be preferred. Fuuuuuck.

(brand-new motivation.)

Left-swipage is actually slowly destroying heart. Must make use of self-swipage for repairing . . .

(furious Vagina takes impromptu break. Was not prepared to go back to penis wilderness anyway.)

(brief while afterwards, back on telephone app like laboratory animal.)

Trump promoter. Method of pretty. Can’t. Permit. Him. Reproduce!

(Swipes kept)

Nipples pointier than mine.

(Swipes left)

President of one thing? What amount of unemployed men are there any?

(Swipes remaining)



Yes! Long hair great. Lady-boner claims hi.

(Swipes right)

Tresses too-long. Homeless man.

(Swipes remaining)



University student. Impoverishment deadly to ladyboner. . . must swipe before too late . . .

(Swipes remaining)

Seems 8 several months expecting with Budweiser.

(Swipes kept)

Group shot with women! Wanting to encourage myself they like you.

(Swipes remaining)

Freelance hot man. Won’t bang you in moms and dads’ cellar.

(Swipes left)



Quite a few razor-sharp teeth. Might also have pointy penis. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.

(Swipes remaining)

Convinced each pic in your profile is actually of different man. Furious Vagina is confused.

(Swipes left)

Weird smiley face. Looks too pleased. Most likely serial killer.

(Swipes remaining)

Hot man fantastic body. Dull personality and job. Swipe remaining, furious V, swipe l . . .

(Swipes correct)

Over 40 never ever married. Lonely selfish man. 50-50 if good in sack. Meh.

(Swipes kept)

Many thanks for discussing level. I know every thing i have to know. Bless you.

(Swipes remaining)

Oh no! Mobile perishing! Must swipe left! Should. Reject. More. Mushroom-head-

And merely such as that, furious Vagina needs to call-it quits for the day until a cell phone charger can be located. Only for today.

Theoretically, the required recovery time allows new shaft prospects the chance to swipe directly on her profile today, indicating their particular delusional desire of banging the lady. The majority of will not ever make a difference. However when her own picked “right-swipes” get back the favor, also referred to as the “mutual match”, the story thickens.

Persistence, Furious V, Patience.



To be continued . . .